Hollywood, California --Not to be out booked by his chief competitor and airwave rival, Jay Leno, just because he does not have a late night TV show to call his home any more, Conan O’Brien has managed to attract top celebrities to his ‘Twitter’ show, which he conducts from a Potemkin Village like studio made of construction paper, cardboard cutouts and lawn furniture under a tree in his backyard – of course, he has failed to mention to his fans that follow him on ‘Twitter’ that they are all celebrity impersonators.
“Tonight my special guest is Robert De Niro of ‘Taxi Driver’ fame,” Tweeted Conan O’Brien to his fans. “That’s right. And he’ll be doing that ‘Are you talking to me’ routine from the movie too. Man, that just creeps me out every time I see that.”
As Conan O’Brien rises to his feet to greet his celebrity imposter he is shocked to see that is it the real Robert De Niro walking onto his makeshift set he has erected adjacent to his kid’s dollhouse, which doubled as the waiting guests’ green room.
“Wow!” said Conan O’Brien as he struggled to ‘Tweet’ and greet his famous guest at the same time. “You’re the real Robert De Niro, aren’t you? I’ mean, of course you are. Who else would you be? I mean have on my show, but the real actor? And not some cheap celebrity knockoff or something.”
“Yeah, it’s me, Bobby De Niro,” said Robert De Niro as he takes a seat on an aluminum lawn chair next to Conan O’Brien’s white plastic table, covered with colorful flower stickers of red, yellow and orange. “I heard you were in a little trouble…and it looks like I heard right.”
“Yeah…,” said Conan O’Brien stalling for time as he signals to his 12-year-old stage director, a neighborhood kid, to cut to a commercial break.
“But we don’t have any sponsors!” replies the stage director, removing a Popsicle from his mouth in order to speak.
“…about that,” continued Conan O’Brien his eyes fixed on a small shadowy figure that moved among the braches and leaves above his head. “Just a little trouble… here and there. You know how show businesses is.”
“You know, Conan,” said a serious sounding Robert De Niro looking directly into O’Brien’s eyes. “I once played a comedian talk show host in a movie with a setup similar to this but in a basement. He too was obsessed with – ”
Suddenly an acorn came flying out of the tree, striking Robert De Niro on the head.
“What in the hell was that?” said Robert De Niro looking from side to side before bending over to pickup an acorn nut from the ground.
“It’s that squirrel. It’s amazing,” said Conan O’Brien to Robert De Niro, both now looking up at the tree from their seats. “It’s like that Russian mystic, Rasputin. Rasputin incarnate. The thing just won’t die.”
“Have you tried rat poison,” said Robert De Niro, still attempting to get a peek at the squirrel from his lawn chair.
“Yeah, I even bought this pellet gun,” said Conan O’Brien, as he pulled out a BB-gun from its holster he wore under his coat.
“You mind if I give it a try,” said Robert De Niro as he strapped on Conan O’Brien’s pellet gun and holster to his chest.
Conan O’Brien tweeting away to his fans as fast as he could, “You guys won’t believe what Robert De Niro is doing in my backyard right now.”
As Robert De Niro walked up to the trunk of the tree, looking up, a vague little shadowy figure scurried high up to the treetop.
“See,” said a confident Robert De Niro waving his arms loosely about his side. “Just the sight of me headed in its direction was enough to scare it away.”
Suddenly, just as before an acorn nut came from seemingly out of nowhere striking Robert De Niro on the head again. In fact, hitting him in the exact same spot.
Robert De Niro, checking for blood with his hand, unbuttoned his jacket exposing the holstered pellet gun. Then looking back in Conan O’Brien's direction but not at him, he began to re-enact his famous scene from ‘Taxi Driver'.”
“Co-staring then child actress protégée, Jodie Foster,” tweeted Conan O’Brien from under the table.
“What? Are you talking to me?” said Robert De Niro addressing the squirrel as Conan O’Brien stopped twittering for a moment and the stage director’s Popsicle fell to the ground. “Are you throwing your nuts at me? I don’t see anybody else here but me.”
Suddenly, just as before again, except as if fired from a machine gun this time came a shower of acorn nuts, pelting Robert De Niro.
“Excuse me,” Tweeted Conan O’Brien. “I have go rescue my hero, Robert De Niro from a squirrel.”
Using the white plastic table as cover, Conan O’Brien and his adolescent stage director were able to reach Robert De Niro who was sprawled out under the tree under a pile of acorn nuts.
“Come with me if you want to live,” said Conan O’Brien, holding out his outstretched hand to a dazed and confused looking Robert De Niro.
“Maybe you’re just too close to the squirrel’s ‘Home Tree’ like in that James Cameron movie,” said a defeated Robert De Niro, suggesting that Conan O’Brien move his makeshift cardboard studio back a little away form the squirrel’s tree. “What do you say, Conan?”
Conan O’Brien, turning to his freckled faced stage director, said as he tweeted, “Looks like I should’ve went with my gut and booked that Joe Pesci celebrity impersonator instead.”
Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo
