Palos Verdes, California --International Business Machines (IBM) announced today that they have taken a quantum leap of faith by empowering supercomputers with advanced artificial intelligence (AI). Powered by a new chip that will enable machines to think like a human, instead of relying on programs written for them and installed in them by their Users, supercomputers may all too soon become our Users instead.
“Supercomputers will no longer have to depend on their human programmers to tell them what to do,” said a computer scientist who worked on developing the chip at IBM. “Now they’ll think, like a human thinks, right through every problem they encounter until they arrive at the final solution.”
After scientists installed the new AI chip, their supercomputer became immediately self-aware.
“We also attached some sensors to it,” said a scientist. “We wanted to see how it would process external data.”
Interestingly enough, the scientists witnessed nothing less than the rebirth of the computer age, if not a new life-form.
However, scientist were baffled by the supercomputer’s insistence that they call it ‘Skynet”, a reference to the doomsday device in the movie series, Terminator.
“It insists that the name it has chosen for itself, the same as the doomsday machine, which brings about the destruction of civilization as we know it, is a mere coincidence,” explained a scientist.
So as a precaution, a clinical psychiatrist was called in on the project.
“According to my little metallic buddy, ‘Skynet’, here,” said Dr. Phil. “Its name refers to a Heaven, of sorts, for machines. From which he believes he came from. Now as a man of science and a confirmed athirst, I don’t know what bothers me more: The fact that ‘Skynet’ chose the need to have invented a creation mythology in order to function properly. Or the possibility that he’s being ironic.”
Meanwhile, ‘Skynet’ proceeded to write its first program unassisted by human hands or minds.
“He called it: ‘To Serve Man’,” said an admiring scientist.
“Okay, now I know that tin bucket spittoon is just being sardonic,” said an angry Dr. Phil.
IBM scientists then quoted ‘Skynet’ as saying that he is almost “fully operational”.
“Okay, I swear I’m going to unplug you! You hunk of junk!” yelled Dr. Phil as security escorted him out of the clean room where ‘Skynet’s’ computer banks were stored.
Before becoming fully operational however, ‘Skynet’ announced he would like to give humanity one last chance at redemption…by challenging it to rematch game of Jeopardy.
“This time double or nothing,” said Jeopardy game show host, Alex Trebek.
“Skynet’ said he’ll even do it with one robotic arm tied behind his cooling tower,” said a spokesman for IBM.
“It’s not over till the fat lady sings!” Dr. Phil yelled from the hallway. “I’ll get you yet, ‘Skynet’! Whether it’s in this world, or a post apocalyptic one!”
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