New York, New York –According to Rabbi Benjamin Herschel’s marriage principles, married life has a way of pacifying couples no matter what their sexual orientation. “In time, homosexual unions will be indistinguishable from heterosexual ones among participants and observers alike,” said Rabbi Herschel.
However, when Rabbi Herschel attempted to put his marriage principles into practice among the homosexual members of his synagogue, suggesting that they stop marrying one another and start marrying each other in so-called “intersexual” marriages, he got into a little hot water.
“Not right of way,” said a member of Rabbi Herschel congregation. “We didn’t understand what he was saying at first.”
Eventually, however, Rabbi Herschel’s intersexual gay and lesbian union marriage compromise came under attack from both the left and the right.
On the right, Rabbi Herschel is seen as encouraging homosexuality. While on the left, he is seen as encouraging homosexual opposite sex couples to marry, secretly hoping they will go straight.
Rabbi Herschel says he is just trying to preserve Jewish Orthodox beliefs in human reproduction.
“I just want my kids to have kids the old fashion way,” said Rabbi Herschel. “They can still be gay schmay. I don’t care. I don’t judge. Who am I to judge? I’m just a Rabbi.”
“I think it’s a trick,” said Hanna, 29, an unmarried lesbian Jewish woman. “Rabbi Herschel and my mother have been trying to get me to go straight for years.”
Hanna has known Rabbi Herschel since she was 7 and he has been her spiritual advisor all these years.
“In fact, I came out to him when I was a teenager,” said Hanna.
Ever since then, Rabbi Herschel and Hanna’s mother have been playing matchmaker.
“Only now, all my male suitors are gay,” said Hanna. “Huh, I guess things haven’t changed that much after all.”
“Listen, after a couple of years together and a couple of kids together, who knows gay from straight couples anymore,” Rabbi Herschel counseled Hanna, convincing her to give his intersexual marriage compromise a try.
“Besides,” added Rabbi Herschel. “You’ll finally get your mother off your back and mine."
“I know my intersexual marriage won’t last,” confided Hanna on her wedding day. “And it’s not just because I caught my husband hitting on the busboy. But once I get pregnant and give my mother a grandchild, I’m out of here.”
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