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“Get off my head, you [BLEEP]!” |
“Extreme caution should be exercised when engaged in the activity of head stomping a political opponent, as it may lead to the unintended consequences of injury to the vertebra or spinal column of the one doing the stomping,” said the Surgeon General at a press conference today, addressing an unfortunate incident at a Rand Paul political rally this weekend involving one of his supporters and a protestor.
According to Rand Paul’s people, in the so-called incident, the “outside agitator” from MoveOn.org threw herself to the ground directly in the path of a Rand Paul supporter who reacted by stomping his feet.
“Both were locked in a game of chicken,” said an eyewitness. “She dared him to step on her head. And he warned her to move it, or he would. She didn’t. So he did.”
As the perpetrator stomped his way around Rand Paul’s SUV, he encountered the agitator’s prone body on the ground and proceeded to stomp on her head, injuring his back in the process.
“I never knew I had such a supple spine,” said a somewhat shocked Rand Paul supporter from the back of an ambulance as he was rushed to a hospital. “Or else, I never would have stomped on that woman’s head. Who knew her head was so hard. I just don’t understand.”
Both the perpetrator and the victim must have the following preexisting medical conditions present, according to the Surgeon General as he outlined the possible cause of the spinal injury:
“The victim was obviously inflected with the medical condition known as: Difficilis Oris or hardheadeditus,” said the Surgeon General. “And the perpetrator with the medical condition called: Infirmus Rursus or yellowbellyitus.”
Until further medical tests can be conducted on Rand Paul’s supporters and MoveOn.org alike, the Surgeon General strongly recommended that both be kept a safe distance apart from the other.
“Or they risk further injury to their respective political causes,” said the Surgeon General. “Because, at this point. It’s hard to take either one very serious.”
Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo
