Port-au-Price, Haiti --
“I was always a fan of the ‘Marvel’ comic book character ‘Iron Man,” explained self-confessed ‘germ-a- phobe’ ‘Deal or No Deal’ TV host Howie Mandel using a webcam on his laptop computer from inside a giant translucent hamster ball as he rolled through the rubble strewn streets of Port-au-Prince, handing out bottles of water and high energy protein bars to the desperate populous. “Now that I finally got the money I was able to construct my own version of a super mechanical exoskeleton suit. Tailoring it to fit my particular needs.”
The result: a one-man, hermetically sealed, bulletproof, self-sufficient and self-propelled mobile biosphere that allows its operator to venture into disease ridden, plague infested disaster zones to serve his fellow man. Except without having to expose oneself to unacceptable risk like Sean Penn, but all from the safety of a self-contained, germfree, armchair equipped, temperature controlled worry-free environment instead.
“It’s totally green too,” said Mandel as he continued rolling his way through crowded streets rapidly filling up with the despots of humanity, wading through hordes of Haitians that now surrounded and followed him more out of curiosity than attempting to quench their thrust or hunger. “I’m its power source.”
Either the operator’s walking, or lever pulling action on the ‘Lazy Boy’ reclining armchair, generates the kinetic energy, which is converted into electricity and transferred to the patent pending giant hamster ball’s micro-spherical unitrack power train drive.
As Mandel pauses his giant hamster ball, reaching over to place another bottle of water into an airlock with his thick black rubber gloves, all without having to get up from his armchair, an elderly Haitian man hesitates to reach in and grab it; his gestures indicating fear that he will lose his hand if he does.
“Go on,” says Mandel attempting to reassure the elderly man. “Take it -- He’s probably a Voodoo medicine man and superstitious of our Western ways.”
As the elder man refuses, taking instead a step back, he says something in French to the crowd.
“I’M SORRY,” said Mandel through his headset linked to his biosphere’s public address system as he keyed in some commands into his laptop computer that resulted in the extension of a long thin silver rod with a microphone, camera and flashlight attached to the end of it and a 60 mm machinegun being shoved into the elderly man’s face from the other side of the sphere. “PLEASE, SPEAK DIRECTLY INTO THE MICROPHONE SO MY COMPUTER CAN TRANSLATE YOUR PRIMITIVE DIALECT INTO ENGLISH. OH, AND DON’T MAKE ANY SUDDEN MOVES.”
Suddenly, the crowd of Haitians rushed the giant hamster ball lifting it up into the air, tossing it back-and-forth to each other above their heads like a beach ball.
“PUT ME DOWN!!” Mandel pleaded. “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PUT ME DOWN!”
“What should with do with the giant egg with the White man trapped inside of it?” asked a young Haitian man of the elderly one.
“Make crêpes suzettes?” joked the elderly gentleman. “Nah, better not. Looks a little dirty.”
Copyright Ó 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo
