Washington, D.C. --
Following the Dutch government’s lead to beef up security in light of the so-called underwear bomber by deploying full-body scanners, which electronically detects atomized trace elements of explosives on would-be terrorists with a puff of air, at all their airports, Transportation Safety Administration (TSA) officials have announced today that they will be employing something far more reliable: ‘Dionne Warwick and her Psychic Friends Network’ to mentally scan the minds of passengers for any terrorist thoughts.
“Dionne Warwick and her Psychic Friends Network’ will take up their positions alongside TSA agents,” said a TSA official. “And while passengers wait just to see their luggage being x-rayed, physically inspected, mishandled and ultimately misplaced, they will have their brain waves scanned as well for any terrorist thoughts.”
“All while they stand in line talking on their cell phones with a psychic friend, killing two birds with one stone,” added a spokesperson for ‘Dionne Warwick and her Psychic Friends Network’.
“Dionne Warwick and her Psychic Friends Network’ has a proven track record of success,” said a spokesman for Homeland Security. “Not like those unproven, unreliable mechanical full-body scanners based on ever-changing Age of Enlightenment technology.”
The decision to use psychics, instead of machines, is based on a pilot program that proved very successful when mediums were secretly placed throughout Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) locations in Southern California in order to improve security there by scanning the minds of civilians for terrorist thoughts after standing in long lines for hours on end.
"You wouldn't believe how many terrorists we apprehended in just the first hour," said a Psychic Friend. "And none of them by using the controversial police racial profiling technique either."
“I never even knew I was a terrorist,” said Marie Huntington an 87-year-old woman attempting to renew her license. “Not until I came here and that nice young woman over there came up to me, tapped me on my shoulder, pulled me out of line, handcuffed me and put a black hood over my head and told me I was one.”
After being water boarded for an hour, Mrs. Huntington said she came to her senses and realized her ‘Psychic Friend’ was right.
“Believe me, if her thoughts wouldn’t have killed,” said the Psychic Friend who scanned Mrs. Huntington. “Putting her behind the wheel of a one ton vehicle would have.”
The psychic scanning pilot program was so successful that ‘Dionne Warwick and her Psychic Friends Network’ even caught one of their own in their mental dragnet.
“We were randomly scanning the line of people when we picked up terrorist thoughts originating from one of our own,” confirmed a Psychic Friend.
Michelle Baker, a member of the psychic friends network since the 1990s, was trying to renew her California identification card on her day off when her fellow co-workers picked up her incriminating thoughts while she stood in line at the DMV.
“I knew I was having terrorist thoughts,” said Mrs. Baker as she was being placed under arrest for generating destructive delta brain waves against a government agency, after spending the better part of the morning standing in line just to get a service number. “I tried to block them out, but I just couldn’t. I just couldn’t.”
Initial data complied so far seems to indicate a direct correlation between the amount of time people had to wait in line at the DMV and the number of terrorist thoughts being generated.
“We’re confident that’s just an anomaly,” said a spokesman for the TSA. “We don’t expect to find any so-called ‘waiting time slash terrorist thoughts correlation’ in our program. Excuse me...I have to relocate all these terrorists out to the tarmac until the police get here to take them off my hands.”
Copyright Ó 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo
