Blind Chinese Dissident Escapes House Arrest Assisted Only by His White Red-Striped Walking Cane!

Beijing, China –

Operating under the premise that children, the elderly and the handicapped are an invisible segment of our population in today’s modern society, a blind Chinese dissident escaped house arrest yesterday by recording and then looping the tapping sound he makes while walking with his white red-striped cane.

After making a few passes through his house, the visually impaired dissident then turned on the recording of the tapping noise, playing it for his unsuspecting captors.

As the bodyguards went about their daily routine of reading the newspaper, eating lunch and even engaging in light housekeeping, the blind man walked right out the front door to freedom.

“We’re so accustomed to ignoring the physically challenged,” said a clinical psychologist. “And those other two groups…um, that’s funny. Their names momentarily escape me. Any ways, they might as well be invisible, too.”

Apparently the dissident used his second-class social status of invisibility to his advantage, as he successfully escaped house arrest. Made his way down the driveway, walking right pass the armed guards stationed at their posts at the front gate of his home.

Then, once outside the compound, the blind man safely negotiated a pathway through downtown Beijing during the height of rush hour traffic. Which presented a greater danger to his life then his entire years under the watchful eye of the Chinese government.

Traffic cameras showed several close calls and near misses. However, the dissident persisted and emerged unscathed.

Finally reaching the sanctuary of the American embassy, the blind dissident tapped his way right passed the U.S. Marines guarding the embassy.

“We didn’t even know he was here,” said a spokesman for the U.S. envoy.

Not until the Chinese government informed the U.S. embassy of their missing dissident.

A quick search of the embassy grounds by American personnel initially turned up nothing, however.

“Until we checked our security cameras,” said the U.S. envoy spokesman. “And sure enough, there he was in the lobby. Just sitting there. Tapping away with his cane.”

Later, forensic analysis of the tapping determined the dissident was sending out a desperate plea in Morse Code: “WTF is wrong with you people? I want to defect. Can’t you see that? Are you blind or something? Holy [BLEEP] don’t tell me you’re hearing impaired too?”

Moments before embassy security cameras captured the blind man walking back-and-forth in front of the receptionist’s desk, asking to speak with a high ranking official. But he was completely ignored.

“She looked up from her magazine for a second,” explained the U.S. envoy spokesman. “But she didn’t see anything -- Just some blind guy mumbling to himself as he paced the floor.”

By that time, the dissident had tired. So he found a seat and sat down, waiting for the authorities to notice him by tapping out a message with his white red-striped cane.

Although the fate of the dissident is uncertain at this time, as to whether he will be returned to the Chinese government or remain in the protective custody of the U.S., who can say.

It is brinkmanship on the brink as to who will blink first: The Chinese or the Americans.

One thing is certain, however: Like the political stance he has taken, the blind dissident is no longer invisible.

“On the other hand, we’re in a presidential election year,” said an Obama White House official, asking not to be identified. “So either way, we’re screwed.”

No matter what course of action the Obama administration takes, the unidentified Obama official says he can read tomorrow’s GOP newspaper headlines today:

’Obama’s Failed Foreign Policy Fails to Protect Free Speech in China!’” said the Obama White House official. “Or worse yet, ‘Obama’s Foreign Policy in China Literally Lead by Blind Man!

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy:
wpclipart.com

Overcast Blamed in Swiss Sunshine Diet Death – Weatherman Facing Manslaughter Charge

London, England –

Swiss authorities investigating the tragic death of a 50-year-old woman whom apparently starved to death while on an Indian guru diet, which consists of nothing but sunshine, surprised everyone today by declaring the local weatherman a person of interest in this bazaar case.

“The woman managed to live on nothing but pure sunshine for over a week,” said police.

That was, however, until the second week when she tuned into the local TV station for a weather report.

“The weatherman failed to mention overcast in the afternoon that fatal day,” said police.

As the woman laid out on a towel in her backyard for lunch, she was caught off guard by a sudden graying of the sky.

“Her husband come to her aid with a sunlamp,” said police. “But the extension cord wasn’t long enough.”

“No!!!” yelled out the husband as he fell to his knees, just feet away from his dying wife. Unplugged sunlamp in hand.

Later, paramedics attempted to revive the woman with their flashlights.

“But they weren’t powerful enough,” said the attending emergency physician who called the time of death.

“They say every cloud has a silver lining,” said the deceased woman’s distraught husband. “If that’s true, then the police will arrest and charge my wife’s killer with her death.”

“Tomorrow’s forecast?” said the local weatherman during his final broadcast. Police waiting in the studio to take him into custody, standing just out of sight of the cameras. “Rain.”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.



Photo Courtesy:
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White House Correspondent’s Dinner Turns into a Secret Service Roast

Washington, D.C. –

Last night at the White House corespondent’s dinner before an audience of politicians, celebrities and members of the media, President Obama and late night TV talk show host, Jimmy Kimmel took turns tag teaming each other. As they pulled no punches, taking jabs at the Secret Service for their recent sexual escapades involving Colombian hookers.

That was until a Secret Service agent approached the two.

Removing his dark sunglasses, the young agent politely asked for equal time to address the audience on behalf of his fellow Secret Service agents.

President Obama and Jimmy Kimmel just looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and handed over the mic to the agent.

“This is last minute so,” said the nervous Secret Service agent as he reached into his breast coat pocket. The audience cowered and cringed under their tables, believing the agent was about to pull out his service weapon.

“What?” said the agent, realizing what the audience was reacting to. “Oh…This is nothing to worry about. It’s just my short list of jokes. See?”

The audience let out a sigh of relief and resumed their seats.

“I really don’t have that much marital on me,” continued the agent, waving the sheet of paper in the air.

“Yeah,” yelled out a drunken heckler in the audience. “I bet that’s what she said!”

The audience roared with laughter.

“You’re right,” calmly replied the agent, taking on the heckler. “We deserve that. After all who did we think we were sleeping round with prostitutes, elected officials?!”

President Obama laughed so hard he doubled over, slapping his knee, which earned him a scowl from the fist lady and fellow politicians.

“So we screwed a few Colombian whores,” continued the now confident Secret Service agent. “At least we don’t screw the American public.”

No body in the audience laughed, except for Jimmy Kimmel who slapped a now stiff-necked President Obama on the back.

“Why so serious commander in chief?” Jimmy Kimmel asked the president. “You know --”

“Yes, I know,” said the president, cutting off Kimmel before he could finish his sentence. “It’s funny because it’s true.”

The Secret Service agent then put back on his dark sunglasses and signed off.

“Secret Service is in the House,” said the agent. “The White House, that is.”

The Secret Service agent then dropped the mic to the floor with a thud, causing such a ringing feedback President Obama, Jimmy Kimmel and everybody in the audience had to cover their ears.


Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Top 10 Things Mexican-Americans (A.K.A. “Pochos”) Can Do to Avoid Getting Deported Under Arizona’s SB 1070

International Boarder --

With the United States Supreme Court's upcoming ruling seemingly favoring Arizona’s SB 1070 (and with the first Hispanic, Sonia Sotomayor, onboard) and other state legislators following close behind. Recent discussions in the mainstream media analyzing only scenarios of authorities stopping and detaining only the undocumented citizens among us in their new “Dragnet”, leaving it up to local law enforcement to solely define who is and who is not a U.S. (naturalized and undocumented) citizen.

All that rather than considering the second-class citizenship the new judicially vetted law, and others like it, is surely to deal out to Mexican-Americans (“Pochos”).

Well, we here at funfakenews.com have taken the liberty to confront these serious unaddressed issues with a smile. By publishing ten simple suggestions for all U.S. (naturalized and undocumented) citizens alike that happen to still look like they just crossed the boarder when in reality the border crossed them.

Let us pray it does not “Railroad” the rest of us in the process as well.

Remember as a U.S. (naturalized and undocumented) citizen you have nothing to worry about, even if you still happen to look like an illegal alien, whatever that means under today’s politically correct construct. Unless that is when pulled over by the Arizona (or other) police for probable cause, You Happen to…

10) You happen to…have your car radio tuned to a so-called “Mexican Radio” speaking station.

9) You happen to… wear a crucifix around your neck and make the sign of the cross when passing by a Catholic Church.

8) You happen to… refer to your sandals as huaraches instead of flip-flops.

7) You happen to… have your automobile maintenance log, which documents you performed 9 out the last 10 major car repairs yourself.

6) You happen to… admit your ancestors are from Mexico and maybe the Philippines, too.

5) You happen to… still have a 2008 Obama “Hope and Change” bumper sticker on the back of your car.

4) You happen to… have a multiple hyphenated Spanish surname printed on your driver’s license.

3) You happen to… get caught singing along with your car radio to your favorite song in three languages: English, Spanish and Spanglish.

2) You happen to… own a talking Chihuahua that eerily sounds a lot like George Lopez or that Taco Bell ad.

1) You happen to… produce a state certified birth certificate from Hawaii -- Oh yeah, that’s how all this started (again).

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Starbucks at Disneyland’s Pirates of the Caribbean: Yo Ho-Ho And a Double Mocha Latte!?

Anaheim, California –

Starbucks and Disneyland have entered into a business alliance, agreeing to sell each other’s merchandise at each other’s establishments. The Seattle-based coffeehouse mogul’s patrons will be able to purchase Disneyland tickets at the counter, while Disneyland park goers will be able to order a cup of hot Java.

The decision to pair up for a joint venture came when a marketing survey commissioned by both the commercial titans showed Starbucks customers are acclimated to paying Disneyland prices, which is through the nose.

Park planners promise the changes will hardly be noticed.

“The first Starbucks will blend in with the theme park's multiple motifs,” said a spokesman for Disneyland. “Beginning with the ever-popular Pirates of the Caribbean ride.”

Modifications to the ride was last done early last decade when it was thought having a pirate (who by definition of occupation rapes, pillages and plunders) chase a woman around and around was politically incorrect.

“So we had the woman carry a plate a food,” explained the spokesman for Disneyland.

Making believe the pirate was chasing that instead of the woman, which lasted until the recent recession when the plate of food was taken down out of an abundance of caution.

“We didn’t want to appear as if we were contributing to the nation’s current food insecurity crisis,” said a spokesman for Disneyland.

Now the pursuer is the pursued as a Starbucks’ barista will be chasing the pirate, attempting to take his order.

Moreover, instead of raping, pillaging and plundering, now the Pirates of the Caribbean will be sitting down at an open-air café.

"Sipping on Starbucks’ coffee, espresso and double mocha lattes, while typing away on their laptops, Smart Phones and iPads," said a spokesman for Starbucks.

Not all changes will be visible to the naked eye, however. But rather heard with the ear, as modifications made to the lyrics of the Pirate’s of the Caribbean song is the most notable.

“Long gone are the lyrics: ‘Yo Ho-ho a Pirate's Life for Me,” said the Disney spokesman. “The Pirates of the Caribbean will now sing: ‘Yo Ho-ho a Barista’s Life for Me.”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:
wpclipart.com

Man with Bottle of Booze Up His Butt Joke

Q: What Did the Doctor Say to the Man in the ER with a Bottle of Booze Up His Rectum?







A: Bottoms Up!

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Dick Clark Still Scheduled to Host New Year’s Rockin’ Eve 2013 TV Show Live

New York, New York –

At first everyone thought it was incredibly brave and admirable of Dick Clark to have optimistically scheduled himself as the host of Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve 2013. Especially after his decision to return to the show despite his advanced years, suffering a debilitating stroke that slurred his speech and ironically being sued for age discrimination by an associate just a few years his senior that he referred to as a “dinosaur”.

That was until everybody discovered Dick Clark was not just being optimistic.

Writing provisions in his will, instructing his survivors to make preparations that will continue to allow him to host the show ‘indefinitely and in perpetuity’ after his death, Dick Clark has not only secured the title of America’s oldest teenager, but its first immortal one as well.

“With a little help from a medium, ouija board and a crystal ball, Dick Clark’s ghost will host this year’s New Year’s Eve bash,” said a spokesman for the Clark estate.

Dick Clark’s will also included a backup plan, however, should the seer fail to channel him from beyond.

“We’re also prepared to broadcast a giant hologram of his head live from the Time Square ticker board,” added the spokesman for the Clark estate.

Either way, Dick Clark will return to the airwaves come this New Year’s Eve.

So far, however, reaction to Dick Clark’s return to the airwaves postpartum from even the most ardent of his fans has been mixed and conflicted at best.

“I don’t know if he should continue to host the show,” said Jane, 67, who watched Dick even after he had a stroke. “But then again, it’s like my grandfather always said to me, ‘Jane, death is just Mother Nature’s way of telling you to slow down.’”

Maybe Dick Clark should lay low awhile and let someone else have a turn. You know, just until next year.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.