Washington, D.C. --In a desperate attempt to reconstitute themselves after melting away and hanging around up in the atmosphere like so much accumulated moisture, glaciers made a successful reappearance back on the surface of the earth. Choosing perhaps the east coast of the United States and Washington, D.C. in particular to make a political statement to the nation in the form of record snowfall this year, giving climate change deniers, and the science impaired just enough rope to hang themselves.
“I wondered where they went,” said Alberto Santiago, Professor of Climatology at the Cassandra Institute of Foresight who has been unsuccessfully tracking the glaciers ever since they began to melt due to climate change. “I mean it’s not like they were giant pieces of dog poo. And God himself took out a giant can of ‘Vapoorize’ like in that movie ‘envy’ and sprayed it on them until they disappeared into thin air. I mean like the dog poo in that movie, it has to go somewhere, right?”
Professor Santiago finally caught up with the elusive ‘evapoorated’ ice packs in Washington, D.C. as he took ice core samples, attempting to verify the origin of the record snowfall. And even, in some cases, the identity of the former glacier itself.
Professor Santiago made his heroic stand as he braved the elements in the noble quest, or perhaps obsession, of his profession: the pursuit of truth. Burrowing in subzero temperatures in near zero visibility conditions, however, straight through the roof of somebody’s snow-covered car, mistaking it for a snowdrift.
“This ice right here is not from any glacier. I can tell you that,” said Professor Santiago, sniffing the core sample, which was covered with human and pet hair, car fluids, carpet fibers, candy wrappers, chewed up bubblegum, cigarette butts and pieces of colored plastic and broken glass.
“See! What did I tell you I folks,” yelled out conservative radio talk show host, Rush Limbaugh from the backseat of a passing custom-built black Hummer limousine with a plow attached to the front. “Global Warming is a hoax!”
“It’s not from a glacier at all,” explained Professor Santiago as he extended his tongue tasting the frozen water, getting it stuck on the ice core sample. “Ethit’s fram an iceberr!”
One that Professor Santiago had been tracking off the Falkland Islands last summer but lost sight of when briefly he went below decks of the research vessel to use the restroom.
“And when I returned a few minutes later, it was gone,” said Professor Santiago, rubbing his belly. “I never should have had those Penguin tacos.”
Carefully Professor Santiago packed up his core samples he took into plastic baggies, packing them away into an ice chest marked: “More Iceberg Samples 2005 – To Present.”
“Well,” said a determined Professor Santiago as he checked the last of his bags at the airline ticket counter. “I’m off again.”
Professor Santiago received a phone call via satellite the night before, informing him of suspicious looking floodwaters in the United Kingdom.
“That could be one of my missing glaciers,” said Professor Santiago, clutching his stomach. “Oh, I don’t think I should have tasted that ice core sample. Oh well, at least I have English cuisine to look forward to.”
Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo
